Attila

ATTILA

Once Attila the Hun applied for a government position.
It didn’t matter where the appointment might be—the Vice President’s Office, Department of Defense, U. N. Delegation, Supreme Court, Department of the Interior—any of them he could “transition to, no problem,” Attila wrote in a cover letter to his application.
The letter hadn’t been easy to get started, though, mostly because Attila wasn’t sure what salutation would be appropriate. Finally he just went with his gut and simply began, “Greetings from the Scourge of God, Destroyer of Nations!”
That should do the trick, Attila thought to himself. First impressions were crucial when building a personal relationship of trust and mutual respect: when you needed to look into the soul of another strong leader and find that certain something you could relate to. Swagger and tough talk were child’s play, but what was inside a man couldn’t be faked.
In that spirit, Attila filled much of the letter with a listing of his qualifications to “come onboard the team.” He alluded to all the contacts he’d made over the years, being careful to drop a few hints about outsmarting anybody who might have taken him for being anything less than perfect at what he did. Then there was the list of exploits—non-stop attacks on enemies and innocents alike, and the reduction of any target he chose to smoldering ruins.
But that wasn’t all. Attila was determined not to spoil his chances by appearing overqualified either. More important than intelligence or experience was the can-do readiness to make the most out of any opportunity thrown your way, no questions asked and no second thoughts expressed.
And then, of course, there was the whole “loyalty” thing. One had to be absolute in demanding it and ruthless when enforcing it. Unless, that is, people you were convinced had no fealty to you whatsoever and no power to touch you were involved. Then the best policy was simply to ignore them as if they simply didn’t exist.
Last but certainly not least in terms of blowing his own horn, though, had to be Attila’s record when it came to plundering the land, any land. Here solid evidence could be presented, not just the claims that any other applicant might be tempted to make in a pinch but glowing testimonials from those who’d profited from his patronage to enrich themselves through pillaging the countryside and had dutifully kicked back part of those gains whenever he had taken a tribute tour. A ceremonial banquet, a few rehearsed remarks, and he’d always carted away enough lucre to launch the next campaign.
By the end of his letter, Attila had grown quite confident about his prospects for landing a top post. The only potential hitch would be if some partisan naysayer or whistleblower held up his nomination in hearings.
With that eventuality in mind, Attila added a final sentence to clinch his case: “I would of course be available for a recess appointment if necessary.”